Not My Job: The Property Brothers Get Quizzed On Matchmaking

Dec 31, 2016
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BILL KURTIS: Many people got wonderful new homes in 2016. Well, they did if they were on the "Property Brothers," the hit home makeover show starring two identical twins from Canada. Jonathan and Drew Scott joined us in April.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

JONATHAN SCOTT AND DREW SCOTT: Thank you for having us.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

All right. Now, on TV, of course, you look alike. You're identical twins. At least you dress differently, but here in the radio, we're just listening to you now. So can you give us a good way of telling you apart as you speak?

JONATHAN SCOTT: It's hard on the radio to hear what we are, who - we look different. So, Drew, if you could just use an elderly British lady voice, that would be great.

DREW SCOTT: (Imitating British accent) No problem.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's very accommodating. Thank you, guys. So what is that - you have a number of TV shows here and in Canada, but your big one here on HGTV is the "Property Brothers." Could you basically explain the premise of that show to those who are unfortunate enough not to know?

D. SCOTT: Yeah. Jonathan and I work - on "Property Brothers," we work with getting people into their dream home. Basically, the premise is most people can't afford their dream home, move-in ready or brand-new. So we're helping them still get that through a fixer-upper.

SAGAL: Right, and so you do the show. And in the show, I'm told, has the same structure. First, somebody says, we want a mansion and we want it to have hot and cold running chocolate fountains and we want it this and we want it that.

J. SCOTT: Don't forget the golden toilet.

SAGAL: And the golden toilets, of course. Oh, I didn't realize you worked with Donald Trump. We'll have to see that one.

D. SCOTT: It's huge.

SAGAL: Huge I tell you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And then there's this moment where you say to them, well, you can't afford that, but you can buy this little hovel overrun with insects and monkeys.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And they buy it and then you renovate it. Now, which of you is the guy who starts that process by knocking down a wall with a hammer of some kind.

D. SCOTT: That would be me. That would be Drew, who - oh, no, I start the process and then I hand it over to Jonathan, and then he picks up the hammer.

J. SCOTT: Drew fears doing anything that may result in a broken nail. So that's why he passes that along to me. I'm not afraid of the rodents, you know, cockroaches, monkeys, whatever might be in there. And, believe me, we have opened walls up to find the craziest, most disgusting things you could possibly imagine.

SAGAL: Like, oh, what?

J. SCOTT: Oh, my God. Actually, on the more pleasant side, which was quite hilarious, I found an entire hidden antique Playboy collection.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: (Laughter).

J. SCOTT: On the less attractive side, I have found petrified rats who had chewed through electrical and met their demise.

D. SCOTT: Oh, we also had a homeowner who - he had a rodent problem. It was actually a raccoon in his wall and to solve the problem - this is down in Texas - he ripped the wall - the panel back. He just shoved his handgun in there and shot a few rounds. And he got - he got the raccoon. It was fine, but then after a couple of days, the smell started to get to him, and plus, his plumbing and electrical stopped working because he shot through it.

(LAUGHTER)

D. SCOTT: So we...

(LAUGHTER)

J. SCOTT: Do not solve a pest problem by firing rounds into your cavity.

SAGAL: (Laughter) So it's almost necessary that you have to dash somebody's hopes to get a good episode out of it.

D. SCOTT: Yeah. Jonathan doesn't like the part when I show them the house that's their dream home and then they can't afford it. He doesn't like that part. He thinks it's the Drew jerk part. But, you know, I'm trying to just bring people out of the clouds, show them you've got to be realistic if you want to have your dream home and you can afford it month to month.

J. SCOTT: Oh, he - Drew is playing it cool here. If Drew had a hairless cat that he could pet while doing that (unintelligible)...

(LAUGHTER)

J. SCOTT: ...He would.

D. SCOTT: I have a very evil laugh.

PETER GROSZ: I have to say...

SAGAL: So you want to have this house, do you? You'll never afford it, you peons.

GROSZ: They do - I mean, they do, like, such a service to the couple that wants this house. But that is the one part of the show - even when my wife and I watch it, we're always like, don't they - they know that they're walking into a house that they can't afford, right? They're just waiting for you to say how high the price is.

J. SCOTT: We only cast for homeowners in areas with really low intellect so...

(LAUGHTER)

TOM BODETT: Boy, America's a goldmine for you guys.

SAGAL: Yeah, exactly. So...

POUNDSTONE: I'm glad you're not, like, plastic surgeons or something.

BODETT: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: You know, imagine having a person and they say, oh, I want to look like this and then you go, you can't look like that.

D. SCOTT: You can't afford that. Here's a witch's nose.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, exactly.

GROSZ: We have a couple of leftover noses around here. Where are they?

SAGAL: And then there's like, however, we can fix it for you. And Jonathan takes up a hammer and just goes after your nose.

J. SCOTT: We can save a lot of money by taking your ass fat and sticking it right here.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: At the end of the show, of course, you deliver to these people - under budget - a perfect home decorated with exquisite taste, and all the fixtures are perfect. And it's wonderful, but it does make me wonder - What do your houses look like?

D. SCOTT: Well, we actually shot a show about it. Jonathan and I shot last year. It was called "Property Brothers At Home." We sold our individual houses. We live in Vegas. And we got this one what we call the Scott family compound. We both live there. We built a guest house next door for our parents when they come down from Canada when there's two feet of snow. Jonathan put in commercial-grade water slide. That should give you an idea of the size of this renovation that we did for the house.

SAGAL: So wait a minute, you're identical twins. You're in business together. You do 50,000 TV shows together, and you live together.

JONATHAN SCOTT AND DREW SCOTT: We have bunk beds.

(LAUGHTER)

D. SCOTT: Giant 6-foot-5 bunk beds. Is that weird?

J. SCOTT: (Laughter).

SAGAL: No. No, it isn't.

GROSZ: This is just like me and my brother.

SAGAL: Yeah, it's perfectly normal.

D. SCOTT: My girlfriend loves it.

SAGAL: (Laughter) I bet she does. I have to ask you guys because you're not just successful television people, entrepreneurs, realtors, et cetera. We're told that you both play the bagpipes.

D. SCOTT: (Laughter) Yeah, we did. We competed for years.

J. SCOTT: Would you like to hear?

SAGAL: Yes.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, yeah.

D. SCOTT: Oh, man. I left them at home.

J. SCOTT: I don't have the pipes handy, but I do have a dying cat here if you - I could substitute.

(LAUGHTER)

D. SCOTT: We got these cheap bagpipes - they're actually electric. And so you plug it into an amp and then you don't actually have to do all the hard - like, the blowing is really hard. Your mouth gets numb and then you can't keep a seal on it and keep a breath going. And so now you just fake it and then you just wiggle your fingers and it sounds much better.

(LAUGHTER)

D. SCOTT: That's kind of what - that's my relationship advice as well.

(LAUGHTER)

D. SCOTT: (Unintelligible) And it's so much easier.

SAGAL: Well, Jonathan and Drew Scott, it is a pleasure to talk to you both. We've asked you here, though, to play a game we're calling...

KURTIS: Have I Got A Match For You.

SAGAL: You two fix up homes. We're going to ask you about people that fix up people, namely matchmakers. Answer 2 out of these 3 questions about matchmaking and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who are the Scott brothers playing for?

KURTIS: Grace Lee of Missoula, Mont.

SAGAL: All right, are you ready to do this?

D. SCOTT: OK.

SAGAL: Yeah.

J. SCOTT: I got your back, Grace Lee.

SAGAL: Here's your first question. There are some specialized matchmakers in the world, matchmakers who work in very narrow ranges of matchmaking, such as which of these - A, a matchmaker who specializes in tracking down and setting up dates with the attractive people whose faces come with new picture frames; B, Swiss matchmakers who will help you find a mate for your single guinea pig; or C, matchmakers who find narcissists people to date who look just like them?

J. SCOTT: Well, seeing as I've surfed this site and still have had no luck, I will go with C, the narcissist relationship hook up.

D. SCOTT: Yeah.

SAGAL: Really?

D. SCOTT: You know, Jonathan, has looked for the female version of himself.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, actually, we made that up. I'm kind of terrified by how enthusiastic you guys were about it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It turns out it's actually B, the guinea pig one. In Switzerland, ladies and gentlemen, it is illegal to own a single guinea pig because they're social animals and it is seen to be cruel to them to make them live alone. Enter the guinea pig matchmaker who finds you mates for your guinea pig.

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

J. SCOTT: Wow.

SAGAL: All right, you still have two chances. Here is your next question. Matchmakers themselves do not always have the best luck in love as in which of these - A, a leading matchmaker in New York quit her $200,000 a year practice and became a nun because, quote, "I have come to loathe love"; B, the founder of match.com got dumped when his girlfriend met another man on match.com.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or C, the husband of the founder of the famous It's Just Lunch dating company filed for divorce, saying sometimes a man has to have dinner.

(LAUGHTER)

J. SCOTT: Drew, I'll let you go first.

D. SCOTT: I'm hoping it's B.

J. SCOTT: OK, we'll go - we'll go with B. We'll go with B, all right, fine.

SAGAL: Your choice is B. And it was in fact B, the founder of match.com.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

J. SCOTT: Yes.

D. SCOTT: Woo.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: What he said was - what he said - he said, well, I designed the site to appeal to women and I guess it worked. All right, so you can get it all right if you get this last one correct. There are a lot of innovative ways online matchmaking sites use to find people's soulmate, including which of these - A, Genepartner, which examines your genome to find your genetically perfect mate; B, curmudgeonlove.com, which matches people based on what they hate; or C, Commentor Couples, which sorts people by the crazy internet comments they leave?

J. SCOTT: (Laughter) So is that trollhookup.com?

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: They deserve each other.

(LAUGHTER)

D. SCOTT: So once again, B sounds the best to me.

SAGAL: That would be curmudgeonlove.com. Instead of writing down things you enjoy, you write down things you hate.

J. SCOTT: I like to - I like to live in a naive bubble where people aren't negative when they're looking for love and they're looking for the positive in someone else. But that would make me an idiot. Yes, we'll go with B.

SAGAL: You're both going to choose B.

J. SCOTT: Yes.

SAGAL: You agree on this.

J. SCOTT: Yes.

D. SCOTT: B.

SAGAL: It's kind of beautiful that you agreed, but you're wrong together on this one. It was actually A, Genepartner because apparently the theory is is that your genomes actually lead to compatibilities. You send in your DNA sample. They find somebody with a matching one. Bill, how did the Scott brothers do on our show?

KURTIS: Well, in this case, two heads are not better than one. You did get one right, Scott brothers, so we're proud of you there.

SAGAL: Yeah, well, well done. You can catch the "Property Brothers" on HGTV and their new book, "Dream Home The Ultimate Guide To Finding And Fixing Your Perfect House," is out now. Jonathan and Drew Scott, thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JONATHAN SCOTT AND DREW SCOTT: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Thank you, guys.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

SAGAL: When we come back, a little Esperanza Spalding and a lot of Paula Poundstone. That's coming up in a minute on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.