Limericks

Aug 5, 2017
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you just have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924, or click the contact us link at our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. Also, check out the new podcast from our very own Paula Poundstone, Live From The Poundstone Institute - this week, the final word on the five-second rule.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

FRED DOUBLEDAY: Hi, I'm Fred Doubleday, calling from Cooperstown, N.Y.

SAGAL: You are kidding me. You are Fred Doubleday...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Calling from Cooperstown, N.Y., home...

DOUBLEDAY: That is correct.

SAGAL: ...Of the Baseball Hall of Fame.

DOUBLEDAY: That's correct.

SAGAL: Now, we all know that baseball was, according to the legend, invented by Abner Doubleday in Cooperstown, N.Y. So what's the relation?

DOUBLEDAY: My great-great-great-grandfather Chester...

SAGAL: Yeah.

DOUBLEDAY: ...Was Abner's cousin.

SAGAL: Yes.

DOUBLEDAY: And legend has it that Chester really came up with the game.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

FAITH SALIE: Wow.

SAGAL: Well, Fred, welcome to the show. And thanks for baseball.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

DOUBLEDAY: I am.

SAGAL: All right, then - here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: A talk with a pet's like a blog - it is mostly a lone monologue. But soon, me and Spot will converse quite a lot. I will get a response from my...

DOUBLEDAY: Dog?

SAGAL: Yes, dog.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A new study suggests that in just 10 years, we will finally be able to communicate with our dogs. This new technology is currently being tested on prairie dogs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And they may soon be able to translate canine barks into sentiments. So you say to your dog, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? And your dog says, well, I'm not a good boy. You made sure about that when you took me to the vet, you monster.

(LAUGHTER)

ADAM BURKE: Why are people so obsessed with - people are always trying to make their dog - pet dogs talk.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURKE: That's the last - 'cause the dog lives in my house. The dog's not going to tell me anything I don't know. Dog going to say, it's kind of hot in here. Yeah, I know. I live here.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURKE: Like, any other animal I want to hear talk, like a killer whale - that'd be a great conversation.

(LAUGHTER)

PATTON OSWALT: Can I predict what the first dog will say?

SAGAL: Please.

OSWALT: My butt tastes great.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If it's a nice dog...

OSWALT: I just said it right here, and I will be proven right in 10 years.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If it's a nice dog, they will then say, would you like some?

OSWALT: Oh...

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: So just to be clear, if dogs can now speak English, can they apply for a green card?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, Fred, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: A cake with just frosting's no scandal. I've got all the germs I can handle. There's no way of knowing how kids will be blowing, so give me a cake with no...

DOUBLEDAY: Candle.

SAGAL: Right, candle.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good, Fred.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Blowing out candles isn't just a fun birthday tradition. It's an easy way to spread germs and disease.

SALIE: Oh, gosh.

SAGAL: Yay, my wish came true. I got whooping cough.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is one of those things that a scientist points out, and you're like of course - because a cake that has been blown on, it increases the amount of bacteria on the surface by 120 percent, roughly the equivalent of frosting the cake and then rolling it on the floor of a restroom.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Of course, on the other hand, it is free cake. So, hey.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But if you think about it, we all accept this. But can you imagine if you did this with any other food in any other situation? Like, imagine your waiter coming out. Nice restaurant - he says, OK, who ordered the salmon? Great. Ready? (Blowing air).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: In my tub, I am ready to plunge. But my cleaning tool's covered in grunge. Its pores will collect more than mere flecks of dreck. Once a week, I should get a new...

DOUBLEDAY: Sponge.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...A new sponge.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A new study states that, on average, your kitchen sponge contains more bacteria than your toilet, about three times as many germs, in fact, as that birthday cake we told you about in the last limerick.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sadly, there's no easy solution. Some people think, oh, I'll put it in the dishwasher, sanitize it. Nope, doesn't work.

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN: Aw.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Some people say - aw says somebody. Some people say get a new sponge, clean the old sponge - no, now you have two crappy sponges.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Only thing you can do, buy another sponge, which just puts more money in the pockets of big sponge...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Which actually, in this case, is just a big sponge.

OSWALT: I wasn't really paying attention. So you shouldn't let your kids blow on the sponge?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes.

BURKE: You know how kids love to do that.

OSWALT: OK. Yeah, yeah.

SAGAL: And don't use the birthday cake to clean your body.

OSWALT: OK, got it.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: Thank you. All right, OK.

SALIE: Do you guys replace sponges? They say that...

BURKE: I don't have mad sponge money.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What are you - does he look like he's made of cellulose?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Fred do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Three straight hits amount to a home run for Fred.

UNIDENTIFIED MEN: Yay.

BURKE: Fred.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Fred.

DOUBLEDAY: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. BURNS")

THE RAMONES: (Singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday. Happy birthday, Burnsie. Happy birthday to you. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.