Limericks

Mar 4, 2017
Originally published on March 10, 2017 8:52 am
Copyright 2017 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call to leave a message at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Ill.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

KELLY COURIE: Hi, Peter. This is Kelly calling from Ashburn, Va.

SAGAL: Hey. How are things in Ashburn?

COURIE: Well, unseasonably warm.

SAGAL: Well, that's where it is everywhere. I just pretended that I knew where Ashburn is. I don't. Where is it?

COURIE: So basically, if you go a little south of D.C. and then keep going west until the commute time gets a little too long, that's about where we're at.

SAGAL: All right, there you are.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And what do you do there?

COURIE: I am an eighth grade science teacher.

SAGAL: Hey.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Ah, some of my favorite people are eighth grade teachers.

FAITH SALIE: We can ask her about...

MO ROCCA: She'll know about the pee in the pool.

SALIE: Exactly.

SAGAL: Yeah. Did you - were you listening to that? Did that make sense to you chemically?

COURIE: Yes. So my understanding is - and this could be maybe not quite on the nose, but my understanding is that the chlorine you put in pools is a variation of bleach. And urine has some ammonia in it. And when you mix ammonia and bleach you get a lovely mustard gas.

SAGAL: Right, which is a bad thing. Bad thing.

ROCCA: Whoa.

SAGAL: Kelly, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks you will be a winner. Are you ready to play?

COURIE: I sure am.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: We are tired of Zumba class hustles. Our sexercise (ph) makes bedsheets rustle. Our tables or floors we commit to our cores. Our workout it's 600...

COURIE: Muscles?

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Muscles, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: There are...

KURTIS: There's a science teacher.

SAGAL: Speaking of science, there are 657 individual muscles in the human body. And according to research led by a fitness company, the only activity that uses every single one of them is sex.

SALIE: What?

ROCCA: Wow.

SAGAL: That's right. More than baseball, tennis...

SALIE: Every time at all times?

SAGAL: I'm just saying.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Do you have to be...

SALIE: Because if so, I'm not doing it right.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Do you have to be awake?

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Asking for a friend.

SAGAL: I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I hope you're not asking for your partner, Mo. One of the reasons getting busy is such a complete workout - and this is true - is it's one of the only forms of exercise that engages the bulbospongiosus, which is known as both the sex hero muscle and one of the world's rarest Pokemon.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Wait, did you just say the sex hero muscle?

SAGAL: The sex hero muscle.

SALIE: Where is it?

SAGAL: It's in the lower pelvis.

ROCCA: Is that like...

SALIE: Do I - you have one and I have one?

SAGAL: I have one, you have one. I'll show me mine if you show - no, never mind.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes, everybody has one but...

SALIE: Everyone has a sex hero inside her.

SAGAL: It's true, or him.

SALIE: I feel excited.

ROCCA: Wait, were we talking about the sandwich?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A sex hero ain't nothing but a sandwich.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: I'm trying imagine how you would use every single muscle, All right?

SALIE: That - yeah...

ROBERTS: And I'm just - I'm baffled. I mean...

ROCCA: It depends how many people are there.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: It's a good point.

SAGAL: That's true.

ROBERTS: That's a good point.

SALIE: Not all of us get to have sex at the Russian embassy, Roxanne.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here, Kelly, is your next limerick.

KURTIS: I'm impressed with my clever brunch host. Here's a creamy Nutella French roast. It is ready to spread on my warm, crunchy bread. I am having my coffee on...

COURIE: Toast.

SAGAL: Right, toast.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Goodness.

SAGAL: That's right. For those of you sick of putting coffee on your toast the old-fashioned way of just pouring it into the toaster, Snow Milk brand spreadable coffee from Japan answers the ancient question, how do I make my toast more carcinogenic?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Much better than having coffee and toast as two separate breakfast items, like some kind of savage. No, let's hope Snow Milk doesn't stop there. There'll be spreadable cornflakes, spreadable bacon and, of course, spreadable toast to put on top of your toast to save you the time and hassle of making toast to go with your toast.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Though our follicle growth has been stalled, our scalps have the people enthralled. We are not getting plugs, but some rope for a tug. We compete in this sport 'cause we're...

COURIE: Bald.

SAGAL: Yes, bald.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Kelly is on.

SAGAL: The Bald Men's Club in Japan does not hide behind comb-overs or the dead fox on Donald Trump's head. No, they celebrate their affliction. They get together for companionship and comfort and to play special bald guy games like - and this is true - bald man tug-of-war. This is how they do it. Two men face each other and they stick suction cups attached to each other by ropes to their forehead. And think about this, they try to pull it off the other guy's head without pulling it off their own. That is a bald guy game.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Other events include a guessing game called who can kill the most birds with the glare off their forehead.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And a real fun one called pin the hairpiece on that guy.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Does this surprise you that there is a group devoted to giving each other comfort? I mean, do you think that men who are bald need comfort?

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I mean...

SAGAL: We're fine. We're just fine.

SALIE: I would feel like...

SAGAL: Don't look at me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here's the thing. I've been bald since I was about 23. I don't have to look at me. As far as I'm concerned, it's all your problem.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, thank you.

ROCCA: Are you really bald, though?

SAGAL: I started losing my hair...

ROCCA: No, no, but I mean, there is - you have stuff in back.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: And on the sides. You have stuff on the sides.

SAGAL: I do? I do, yeah.

ROCCA: And on the sides there is - I never really noticed that.

SAGAL: Well, that's classic male pattern baldness.

ROCCA: OK. All right.

SAGAL: That's how it looks.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: And where do you get the pattern? Do you buy it, or...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Kelly do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Kelly is the limerick queen.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Kelly.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Nicely done.

COURIE: Thank you. Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF INCREDIBLE BONGO BAND SONG, "LET THERE BE DRUMS") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.