Limericks

Jan 21, 2017
Copyright 2017 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. You can click the contact us link on our website, that's waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Ill.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SAM YARBROUGH: Hi, this is Sam Yarbrough from Silver City, N.M.

SAGAL: Silver City, N.M.? I have never heard of Silver City, N.M. I know that's surprising...

YARBROUGH: (Laughter) Not many people have.

SAGAL: And what do you do in Silver City?

YARBROUGH: I work at the hospital in the dietary department.

SAGAL: Oh, so you are the person providing hospital food?

SAGAL: Yeah, that's it (laughter).

SAGAL: What is the biggest complaint about hospital food?

YARBROUGH: Oh, actually, our hospital has pretty good food. I'd say the biggest complaint is that it takes too long because people are in a hurry to get back to their jobs.

SAGAL: Yeah, it may not be the food that's a problem with hospital eating, the ambiance.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Sam. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

YARBROUGH: Let's do it.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Pork rinds just make bars much gauch-er (ph). So our rabbi cleaned house, full disclosure. We are closed Friday nights, but our food is cooked right. Our sports bar now truly is...

YARBROUGH: Kosher.

KURTIS: Yes...

SAGAL: Yes, kosher.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: As far as we know...

KURTIS: Good enough for you hospital.

SAGAL: Yes, the first kosher sports bar, The Promenade in Manhattan, looks like any other sports bar. There are massive flat screen TVs, there are pitchers of Bud, there are barely any women and all the men are wearing yarmulkes just like down at (imitating Hebrew accent) Hooters.

(LAUGHTER)

PETER GROSZ: I'm surprised the bar is not named (imitating Hebrew accent) Hooters.

SAGAL: It should be. The bar's owners, who are both, of course, Orthodox Jews, decided to go kosher last year when the business was failing, so they could, you know, appeal to a new clientele. Rabbis came to kosher-ize (ph) was the place, which involved sanitizing the equipment with a blowtorch and hiring a mohel to remove the skins from the potatoes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: This arrangement is salty and quirky. So I'm going off flowers cold turkey. Just look how this beef folds into a leaf. I have made a bouquet of dried...

YARBROUGH: Jerky.

SAGAL: Jerky, yes. A jerky bouquet.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: If two dudes want to show each other they care they can't send flowers, that's too gay. Instead, send beef jerky that looks like flowers that's just gay enough.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The company is called Say It With Beef.

AMY DICKINSON: No.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I think that's a gay bar right next to the kosher sports place.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The company delivers what they call broquets...

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: No.

SAGAL: ...Beef jerky cut to look like either roses or daisies arranged in a pint glass. They're not flowers, they're flow-hims.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: If you're that afraid, just send a non-flower item. Like, don't do this to either beef jerky or flowers.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: You send like - I got you a beer and just send a beer.

SAGAL: Send a power tool.

SAGAL: Yeah. Or just send jerky.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: But...

GROSZ: Or go to a therapist.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

SAGAL: Some Japanese germaphobe types dislike phones that have greasy swipe stripes. So our border patrols have installed extra rules. For your smartphones, we're handing out...

YARBROUGH: Skype?

SAGAL: No, not Skype.

YARBROUGH: Oh, wipes.

KURTIS: Wipes it is...

SAGAL: Yes, there you go.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I knew you'd get it - wipes.

KURTIS: Good for you.

SAGAL: According to a 2013 report, our smartphones carry more germs than our toilet seats, which means some of you guys have really terrible aim.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Perhaps aware of this, the folks at Narita International Airport in Tokyo equipped each bathroom stall with toilet paper for you and disinfectant wipes for your phone.

GROSZ: How can your phone be dirtier than a toilet seat?

SAGAL: Well...

GROSZ: I mean my phone is in my pocket and a toilet seat is next to a toilet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, I believe the problem, Peter, is that you're constantly bringing, A, your phone up to your face, you're getting a lot of bacteria...

GROSZ: That's true, my face it pretty filthy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And also, you're constantly swiping it with your hands. So your hands are picking up stuff...

(CROSSTALK)

DICKINSON: What about that kissing thing?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That'll really...

DICKINSON: That's a nightmare.

SAGAL: That'll kill you. We're lucky there aren't cold sores right on the surface of the phone.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sam do?

SAGAL: Billy The Kid would be proud right, Sam? All three right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Sam.

YARBROUGH: Yay.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done, congratulations. You've won our prize. Thank you so much for playing.

YARBROUGH: Thank you guys.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF BEASTIE BOYS SONG, "FUNKY BOSS") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.