Limericks

Jan 14, 2017
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TOM HANKS, HOST:

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(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: OK, hey, we got a caller on the line. Hey, you've stepped in it now. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CHRIS MORTICA: Hello, this is Chris Mortica from Hopkins, Minn.

HANKS: Chris - from Hopkins, Minn. What do you do up there in Hopkins, Chris?

MORTICA: I'm a math teacher at a high school for the performing arts.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: A math teacher?

HANKS: Wait, wait, wait, math at a high school for the performing arts?

MORTICA: Yeah.

HANKS: Your whole course load has got to last, like, two and a half days. Two plus two equals four. Ten percent of 100 is a dime. That's what goes to your agent. Get out there and play the saxophone. I guess the kids have to take math. Is that what it is?

MORTICA: Yeah, they graduate high school, so they get math.

HANKS: Well, OK. They get math. So welcome to the show. Chris, you know how this works. You're a steady listener. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each, of course. Figure out the vacancies on just two limericks and you're a god in the eyes of us all. Bill Kurtis, do your thing.

BILL KURTIS: I wear armor, no loose-fitting toga. No downward dog poses, just cobra. I'm screaming and panting, not om-ing (ph) and chanting. I'm mixing aggression with...

MORTICA: Yoga.

HANKS: Yes, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yoga.

HANKS: Yes, I say with too much enthusiasm. The hot new thing is aggressive yoga. That is relaxation plus violence. It's kind of like getting aromatherapy while someone keys your car. It's part of a growing and misguided trend of high-intensity yoga that will teach students to both relax and chant, kill those bastards.

FAITH SALIE: I think I could get into aggressive yoga. Yoga's never done it for me. But aggressive yoga? Namaste, right?

LUKE BURBANK: This is the natural logical progression for yoga, which has always been passive-aggressive.

HANKS: Yes.

BURBANK: We're now just holding on the passive. If you've taken a yoga class, the position of the mats, who is and isn't farting, these are things...

HANKS: Wow.

BURBANK: ...That people in the room are clearly getting upset by but because they've told themselves that this is a centering activity...

HANKS: Oh, yeah.

BURBANK: ...They don't allow themselves to, so there's a lot of passive-aggression.

HANKS: You know, this is one of the thing that makes me mad about how fake movies are, ladies and gentlemen. Any time you see yoga being done in a movie or TV show, no one farts. And how many people here take yoga and have either done it or heard it? Quick, a little bit of applause there. See, it's part of the exercise. It's part of the inhale and exhale. Well, anyway (unintelligible). All right, so Bill - hey, Chris, here's your next limerick.

KURTIS: My chores I no longer refuse because I got this new tool that I use. I'm just walking around with a weird sucking sound. There's a vacuum built into my...

MORTICA: Shoes.

HANKS: Yes.

KURTIS: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: Yes, I say again.

POUNDSTONE: I love this idea.

HANKS: Vacuum shoes answer the age-old question, just how many more ways are there to scare the crap out of my cat? The shoes were unveiled at this week's Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas in a booth called This is Stupid and a Waste of Money.

POUNDSTONE: I'm not sure I could walk in them, but I love the idea of, like, vacuuming as I go without having to hold the device. I think it's a brilliant idea.

SALIE: I think it's a brilliant idea to put on those racewalkers in the Olympic Village to slow them down.

HANKS: You'd be done - they'd be - your apartment would be spotless in a minute and a half.

SALIE: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

BURBANK: "Vacuums On The Soles Of Her Shoes" - that Paul Simon song just wrote itself.

HANKS: It is kind of gorgeous.

BURBANK: (Singing) It's a messy floor, got to try to hide it. Vacuums on the soles of her shoes.

HANKS: (Singing) The soles of her shoes. Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

HANKS: Hey, here's your last limerick, Chris.

KURTIS: I've been cleaning myself for an hour. This six-ounce pale ale packs some power. I rub-a-dub-dub in my steamy home pub. I'm drinking cold beer in the...

MORTICA: In the shower?

HANKS: Yes, yes, Chris.

KURTIS: Exactly.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

POUNDSTONE: Trifecta.

HANKS: Yes. Now, get this, Chris. PangPang Brewery's Shower Beer is, quote, "sweet but strong" and perfect for people who want some hair of the dog to go along with that stuff that's clogging their drain. It also has a 10 percent alcohol content, which means that if you have enough of them, you'll eventually be drunk enough to fall down in the shower and become another shocking cause of death statistic.

POUNDSTONE: Now, this shower beer, it comes out of the nozzle?

HANKS: No, no, no, you...

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: Oh, if only that were the case, Paula. Then we'd all be moving to Sweden.

POUNDSTONE: So it's - you...

HANKS: You take it - it's literally a beer sold specifically to take in the shower. It's called Shower Beer.

POUNDSTONE: Because I imagine you could do that with any beer, could you not?

HANKS: You know what, you're taking all the fun out of this, Paula?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I think it would better if it came out of the faucet.

BURBANK: That's beer shower, which is a totally different thing.

POUNDSTONE: (Laughter) As opposed to shower beer.

HANKS: Hey. Bill, how did Chris do?

KURTIS: Add up the three and it equals perfect.

HANKS: He was at perfect.

POUNDSTONE: He was unbelievable.

HANKS: Chris, way to go. Congratulations, Chris. Thank you so much for joining us on the show.

MORTICA: My pleasure. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.