Limericks

Dec 17, 2016
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago.

Hello, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

RACHEL GOEBERT: Hey, this is Rachel from Austin, Texas.

SAGAL: Oh, another Rachel. You're the second one we've had, but you're in Austin. What do you do there in Austin, which I love?

GOEBERT: Oh, awesome. I work in customer service by day and I do box office and front of house management by night.

SAGAL: Oh, you're a theater person. A theater person with a day job, I've never heard of such a thing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Rachel. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I struck toast from my AM foods checklist because ice cream first thing isn't reckless. Stay away from whole grains. Frozen dairy helps brains. Three scoops are a nice wholesome...

GOEBERT: Breakfast.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Great news, gross people.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Japanese researchers say subjects who started the day with ice cream tested better on intelligence tests than those who didn't. That's what your ice cream headache is. It's just your brain getting too big for your skull.

The scientists say it's especially exciting that eating ice cream for breakfast makes you smarter 'cause if you're doing that every day, you almost certainly have nothing else going for you.

(LAUGHTER)

TOM BODETT: You're going to need your brain 'cause your body will soon become useless.

SAGAL: Yes, I know.

ADAM BURKE: I like that the Russians hacked the DNC and children have hacked Japanese universities.

SAGAL: Yes.

BURKE: Yeah, you should all be eating ice cream. It's...

BODETT: It's brain food, Mommy.

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Of Fleming's fine hero we're fond, but with ladies he'll often abscond. With drinks, shaken not stirred, his speech comes out slurred. So our agency won't use James...

GOEBERT: Bond?

SAGAL: Yes, James Bond.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yeah, she's smart. Been eating a lot of ice cream.

SAGAL: Really. James Bond has done a lot to romanticize life as a British spy. But in a recent speech, the head of MI-6, that's the British spy agency, says he would never hire James Bond. For one thing, Bond is too reckless and immoral. And for two, which Bond are we even talking about? Are we talking about the brooding Daniel Craig Bond, the smirkingly sly Pierce Brosnan Bond or the completely unbelievable Roger Moore Bond?

If this makes MI-6 sound like a not fun place to work, that may be right. According to a report - this is true - during a Bond movie screening for the staff of MI-6, when the MI-6 headquarters building blew up in that film, everybody cheered.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Trump refers to Bond movies as his daily intelligence briefing, right?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick, Rachel.

SAGAL: On haddock and cod, there's a lid. Now tentacled beasts make their bid. Coldwater fish make a costlier dish, so with chips we'll serve fried, breaded...

GOEBERT: Oh, could you read that again? I'm sorry.

SAGAL: I think he can.

KURTIS: On haddock and cod, there's a lid. Now tentacled beasts make their bid. Coldwater fish make a costlier dish, so with chips, we'll serve fried, breaded...

GOEBERT: Squid.

SAGAL: Yeah, squid. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Squid it is. My goodness.

SAGAL: Sorry, British people. Climate change is messing up more than just the Earth. It's ruining your fish and chips. Cod, the fish they make them from, are migrating north towards Norway due to rising sea temperatures and a desire to be eaten by people with better teeth. But have no fear, British fish and chip lovers, there's a solution - squid and chips.

Squid aren't endangered by the warming waters. In fact, it's the opposite, said one spokesman. Warmer waters actually lead to more squid. Yum. And should they ever run out of squid or the squid vote to Squixit (ph), you can just deep fry one of those rubber bands they use to tie up broccoli. No one will know the difference.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Can I suggest a name for British squid and chips?

SAGAL: Yes.

BURKE: Calamari Poppins.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Was that worth it? Probably not.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Rachel do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Rachel, Rachel, you did so well - 3 and 0.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

GOEBERT: Thank you.

SAGAL: Well done, Rachel.

GOEBERT: Thank you so much.

(SOUNDBITE OF TOUCANS STEEL DRUM BAND'S "UNDER THE SEA") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.