Lightning Fill In The Blanks

Jan 14, 2017
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TOM HANKS, HOST:

Finally, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, the most exciting three minutes in publicly funded audio entertainment.

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: Each panelist has 60 seconds to fill in as many blank questions as they can. And each correct answer should be worth 6,000 points, but we'll give them two. Bill Kurtis, what are the standings?

BILL KURTIS: Paula and Luke each have three and Faith has one.

FAITH SALIE: Wow.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Uh-oh.

HANKS: All right, Faith, you're dead last, so hand on the buzzer, now.

SALIE: (Laughter) Right.

HANKS: Fill in the blank. Donald Trump named his son in-law, blank, as his senior adviser.

SALIE: Jared Kushner.

HANKS: On Wednesday - yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: Wednesday, Senator Cory Booker testified against blank's nomination for attorney general.

SALIE: Jeff Sessions.

HANKS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: On Monday, it was revealed that Fox News paid off an employee to prevent a sexual harassment suit against blank.

SALIE: Bill O'Reilly.

HANKS: You got it.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: On Thursday, President Barack Obama surprised Joe Biden by awarding him the blank.

SALIE: Presidential Medal of Freedom with distinction.

HANKS: With distinction, you are correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: The owner of the San Diego Chargers announced he was moving the team to...

SALIE: LA.

HANKS: Los Angeles.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: The staff of Jimmy John's sandwich shop in Florida got in trouble this week after being caught blanking on camera.

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

SALIE: You know, showering their fish...

HANKS: No. Use...

SALIE: ...With love.

HANKS: OK. Using bread dough as a jump rope before baking it.

SALIE: Awe.

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: The manager (laughter) - the manager of the Jacksonville Jimmy John's says he's investigating the video, which shows two employees rolling out bread dough and then taking turns using it as a jump rope.

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: The workers are reportedly apologetic and thankfully nobody filmed the part where they used the sliced ham to towel off.

LUKE BURBANK: Wah-wah (ph).

HANKS: Hey, Bill, how did Faith do?

KURTIS: Five right. Ten more points, and a total of 11, now, she's in the lead.

(APPLAUSE)

HANKS: OK.

POUNDSTONE: Here we go.

HANKS: Because of the time, we've randomly decided that Luke is going to go next.

BURBANK: All right.

HANKS: All right? So Luke, in an early morning session, on Thursday, the GOP-controlled Senate took the first steps to repealing blank.

BURBANK: The Affordable Care Act.

HANKS: Or Obamacare.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: On Wednesday, Marissa Mayer announced that she was resigning as CEO of blank.

BURBANK: Yahoo.

HANKS: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: On Thursday, the Justice Department asked an inquiry to FBI director blank's influence on the election.

BURBANK: Comey.

HANKS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: This week, online retailer blank announced plans to create 100,000 full-time jobs in the U.S.

BURBANK: Amazon.

HANKS: Close.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, LAUGHTER)

HANKS: During this - his senate confirmation hearing this week...

BURBANK: Was it, like, mamazon (ph)?

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: No, no. It was Amazon, close enough.

HANKS: This week, CVS released a generic version of Mylan pharmaceutical's blank pen.

BURBANK: EpiPen.

HANKS: The EpiPen, sure.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: On Sunday, modern musical "La-La Land" broke records by winning seven blank awards.

BURBANK: Golden Globes.

HANKS: And I - yes. Ding.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: An Irish Coast Guard search and rescue helicopter...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

HANKS: ...That was dispatched to find a man lost at sea eventually found him blanking.

BURBANK: Having a pint at the pub.

HANKS: You are right.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: There we go.

HANKS: That sound you heard was Bill Kurtis slapping his head in wonder. The man was reported missing by a concerned taxi driver who dropped him off at the beach on a stormy night. The Coast Guard mobilized a team to search the area but turned up nothing. Exhausted from all that searching, they took a break in a nearby pub where they found the man...

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: ...Relaxing, having a drink. When they confirmed the man was safe and unharmed, they immediately practiced some aggressive yoga on him.

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: Hey, Bill, how did Luke do?

KURTIS: He got seven out of eight points.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, baby.

(APPALUSE)

KURTIS: Fourteen more, total of 17. And then the lead, almost uncatchable.

POUNDSTONE: OK, Bill, how many does Paula need to win?

KURTIS: Seven to tie, eight to win.

HANKS: Wow, seven and eight to win...

POUNDSTONE: Awe, man.

HANKS: OK. OK, Paula, fill in the blank. This week Mexican President Nieto, again, confirmed that his country would not pay for blank.

POUNDSTONE: The wall.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: On Tuesday - Thursday, the Presidential Transition Office named former New York Mayor blank as cybersecurity adviser.

POUNDSTONE: Rudy - Rudy Giuliani.

HANKS: Close enough.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: This week, federal prosecutors announced criminal charges against six VW executives over the company's blank scandal.

POUNDSTONE: Emissions.

HANKS: Good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: After five years, a string of storms has finally brought blank out of its drought conditions.

POUNDSTONE: California.

HANKS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: Two Florida men were spotted on surveillance cameras while attempting to rob a store that sells blank.

POUNDSTONE: Uh, surveillance cameras.

HANKS: Surveillance cameras, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, LAUGHTER)

HANKS: For 10 minutes on Thursday, C-SPAN's feed was interrupted by blank's state-run TV channel

POUNDSTONE: Russia.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: Can you believe that (laughter)?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Yes.

HANKS: Poland's foreign minister said his country's bid to join the U.N. Security Council...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

HANKS: ...Had the support of many countries, including San Escobar, which is blank.

POUNDSTONE: Not a country.

HANKS: Not a real country.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HANKS: That's correct.

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: The Polish foreign minister, whose name we'll not say because it would blow NPR's annual consonant budget...

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: ...Well, has been telling other world leaders that he's been getting a lot of support from San Escobar. Since he's made that country up, the really shocking thing would be if they weren't supporting him. In any event, the foreign minister has apologized and announced that he's canceling his annual state visit to Westeros.

(LAUGHTER)

HANKS: Bill, how did Paula do?

KURTIS: She needed seven to tie, she got seven to tie.

HANKS: Come on.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Paula and Luke are tied winners this week...

POUNDSTONE: There it is.

HANKS: Paula, Luke, congratulation on putting Faith in her place.

(LAUGHTER) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.